KQED Perspective: Making Friends is Worth the Effort

My listener commentary aired on KQED FM on June 4, 2025.

Recording my Perspectives submission at KQED studios in San Francisco

I recently celebrated a friend’s birthday over margaritas and tacos with six other women that I have gotten to know only recently. We range in age from forties to mid-sixties with a variety of professions. We are a delightful, eclectic mix of people of different marital statuses, families, and ethnicities. We bonded gradually during a weekly weightlifting class doing what humans normally do to make friends: smile, ask someone’s name, introduce yourself, initiate a conversation, find common ground, demonstrate kindness.

That experience, however, is in sharp contrast to an abundance of recent articles about the difficulty making friends as an adult. Somewhere along the way, one of the women suggested we celebrate an upcoming birthday. We had such a good time that we planned other gatherings and started sharing more about our lives and supporting each other’s successes and challenges.

These new midlife friendships are just as meaningful as friends I’ve known since high school or college. It took some effort and initiative on everyone’s part to deepen the relationships, but it wasn’t hard. The obstacles to friendship are numerous – time constraints, work and family commitments, logistics, social anxiety–but they are not insurmountable. I started by being a joiner. Going to meetups, joining a sports league or special interest club, and checking out trivia night at a local bar.

Over 20 years ago, I joined a coed softball team in San Carlos and I’m still playing on Sunday afternoons. The team hosts occasional BBQs, and our holiday party is legendary. The contributions and commitment by all players have paid ongoing dividends. As my mother often told me, if you want a friend, you have to be one. Take the first step.

With a Perspective, I’m Laura Deck.